ugh

Last night I went out and had restaurant food and drinks. I was fine until I got home, where I subsequently pigged out - cookies, peanut butter, tortilla chips etc.

I woke up at 5 am with belly aches and gurgling - yuck. I feel icky because I've been doing so well. I didn't work out yesterday or the day before either- so that is contributing to my guilt too.  

I sometimes forget how fat I am, until I go out in public and realize no one is looking at me the way they used to. It really is funny how you become invisible when you get fat.  Like you're not worthy of people's looks...

Spring Forward

I feel good this morning. ALthough I lost an hour of sleep, I slept enough hours and I feel like today is a new day.  I have only had coffee with fat free half and half... and so it's like a clean slate. I have not yet decided what activity I will do today, but I would like to be active and sweat a little. The weather is supposed to be sunny and high of 76 degrees. Maybe I will go for a walk around the neighborhood.  Whatever it is, I want to make today a good day.

Ashamed

I am ashamed of my body. I decided to do something today and I went for a walk in a popular park. I knew it was a good thing that I was outside and exercising, but every time I passed by someone I felt ashamed. I am ashamed of my body- how fat and ugly it looks. I know what it looks like fit and sexy, and I also know what it looks like now- fat and ugly. I walk and I wish that i was in that fit and sexy place now. I almost feel like it's hopeless to think I could look like that again... if it is even possible, it will take a LONG time to get there. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's so far. I just want to walk and be proud of my body.

I'm so full I can't stand it

So, I've struggled with weight my entire life. I'm currently at 165 lbs or so and I am 5 foot7. I have never been happy with my weight but in the last few years I've gained a total of 30 lbs... and before that had lost about 4o lbs. This is the story of my life. 

I am starting this blog in a desperate attempt to change my life. I am 31 years old, and do not have much money. I just spent $30 on an ice cream cake, donut holes and a pound bag of m&m's.  I ate all of the donuts, some of the M&M's and a couple pieces of cake. Afterwards, I just wanted to throw the rest away, but I couldn't because I spent so much on them. I feel guilty. I feel bad. I feel fat. I feel stupid.

I feel old enough that I should know why I do this to myself. I've gone for some time without obsessing about eating food, but if I remember correctly, I obsessed about counting calories, or exercising, or shopping for new clothes.  Clearly there is a pattern here.

What is hurting me the most is that I truly feel at this point in time, I cannot stop!  I have tried to usual tactics that have succeeded for me in the past... starving myself, working out two hours a day, fasting, dieting, counting calories, tanning in the hopes of getting prepared for summer and trying out a bikini... nothing is working.

I wasn't hungry when I ate all the food today. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I spent all that money and ate it and now I feel full and fat. And I consciously tell myself tomorrow I will start over...  and I wake up and eat Oreo's and whip cream.

I need help and I don't know what to do.